He hasn’t read me yet, it’s neither a surprise nor a disappointment, I hide very well right here, out in the open. This urgency – how does he fake it? I don’t know what it is, I just know what it feels like. He looks at me like he wants to devour every part of my body immediately. What is it worth to you? What was it worth to him? It is the transaction of cash that gives me the strength to demand this freedom, and how can anyone put a price on freedom? What is it worth to me? Everything. It is counter to everything I have ever known. But here, in my space, with my money, on my time, I feel safe enough to be taken care of, secure enough to concentrate only on pleasing myself to say out loud what I don’t want. Jokes I don’t find funny, conversations I don’t want to have, silence when I want to talk, sports games I loathe, sex in places I don’t want, pain I always ignore. First my father, then my stepfather, my sports coach, my husband, the client, the business partner. I have tried to delight every man I have ever met, in one way or another. I have given myself permission to resist the overwhelming desire to please A foreign concept, the opposite of my mothers’ teachings. I think this could be the key right here. He slaps my bare backside again – I stop him – he tilts his head and curiously confirms His talking in bed panics me, no one has ever used these words with me out loud, but I know it is how men view me, like I need to be controlled, broken, tamed. Would you let me, see, beneath your beautiful tonight
You’ve built your wall so high that no one could climb it , You’ve carried on so long, you couldn’t stop if you tried to
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